School Anxiety in Children: Signs to Watch For + Calm Strategies That Work
- Pebble and Tide
- Jan 22
- 5 min read
Starting school each day can be hard for many kids. But when mornings become tears, tummy aches, shutdowns, or panic, it may be more than “not wanting to go”.
School anxiety is incredibly common, especially for sensitive children, children who worry a lot, or children who feel overwhelmed by social pressure, sensory load, or expectations. The good news is: there are ways to support your child without forcing, shaming, or escalating the stress.
This post will help you understand what school anxiety can look like, what may be happening underneath, and what you can do at home to help your child feel safer, calmer, and more capable.
What school anxiety can look like
School anxiety doesn’t always look like obvious fear. Some children can hold it together at school and fall apart afterwards. Others begin to resist school in subtle ways that slowly become bigger and more intense.
You might notice:
Your child becomes distressed the night before school
They become clingy or emotional in the morning
They complain of feeling sick, tired, or “not right”
They ask repeatedly for reassurance
They shut down, refuse to get dressed, or freeze
They melt down at drop-off or demand to stay home
Their mood changes suddenly on school mornings
For some children, anxiety shows up as tears and fear. For others it shows up as anger, arguing, or “I hate school”.
Common signs of school anxiety
School anxiety affects both the mind and body, and kids often don’t have the words to explain what they’re feeling. They may say “I don’t want to go” without understanding why.
Emotional signs
Worrying about making mistakes
Fear of being in trouble or disappointing teachers
Panic about social situations or friendships
Feeling “not good enough” or comparing themselves to others
Anger, mood swings, or irritability
Low confidence or self-doubt
Physical signs
Tummy aches or nausea
Headaches
Fatigue
Trouble sleeping or nightmares
Loss of appetite
Feeling shaky, sweaty, or tense
If these symptoms disappear once school is removed, that’s often a clue that the anxiety is linked to school stress.
When it becomes school refusal
Sometimes anxiety becomes so intense that a child begins to avoid school completely. This is often referred to as school refusal (or school avoidance). It is not laziness, defiance, or manipulation. It is usually a nervous system response.
School refusal may look like:
Crying, panic, pleading, or begging
Freezing or shutting down
Running away or hiding
Complaints of illness every morning
Anger, screaming, or severe meltdowns
This can feel incredibly distressing for parents, and many families feel stuck between wanting to support their child and not wanting to “make it worse”.
The important thing to remember is: a child can’t learn when their nervous system is in survival mode. Their brain is doing what it’s designed to do: protect them.
What causes school anxiety?
School anxiety is rarely about one single thing. Often, there are several stressors that build over time.
Common causes include:
Social stress (friendships, bullying, loneliness)
Performance pressure (fear of mistakes or tests)
Separation anxiety
Sensory overload (noise, uniforms, crowds)
Neurodivergence (ADHD, Autism, learning differences)
Difficulty with transitions or routine
Trauma or major life changes (separation, grief, moving house)
Teacher conflict or fear of being “in trouble”
Feeling unsafe or misunderstood at school
Sometimes, the anxiety isn’t about school itself, but school becomes the place where the child feels the most exposed.
What you can do at home: calm strategies that work
When your child is anxious about school, the goal is not to “convince them” they’ll be fine. The goal is to help them feel safe, so their brain can shift out of fight/flight.
Here are gentle strategies that genuinely help.
✅ 1. Validate the emotion
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing school is dangerous. It means acknowledging their feelings.
Try:
“I can see this feels really hard today.”
“Your body is telling you school feels scary.”
“You’re not in trouble. I’m here with you.”
Kids calm faster when they feel understood.
✅ 2. Help them name the worry
Anxiety grows in the dark. Naming it helps shrink it.
You can say:
“If your worry could speak, what would it say?”
“Is it a tummy-worry or a thought-worry?”
“Is there a particular part of school that feels hardest?”
You can also draw it, label it, or turn it into a character.
✅ 3. Use a simple body reset
Short grounding strategies work best. Not long mindfulness.
Try:
5 slow belly breaths together
cold water on hands
wall push-ups
heavy blanket or firm hug
calm music while getting dressed
The goal is regulation, not perfection.
✅ 4. Create a predictable morning plan
Anxiety loves uncertainty. Routine reduces decision fatigue.
Helpful ideas:
pre-packed school bag and uniform night before
visual checklist
simple breakfast choices
same order every morning
calm transition time (no rushing)
For anxious kids, a chaotic morning can be enough to tip them into panic.
✅ 5. Use “micro-steps”, not big demands
Instead of “Get ready for school”, try smaller steps:
“Let’s just put socks on.”
“Let’s just sit in the car.”
“Let’s just walk to the gate.”
If the child can only do part of it, that’s still progress.
✅ 6. Teach confidence scripts
Anxiety creates helpless thinking. Scripts help children feel capable.
Examples:
“I can do hard things.”
“This feeling will pass.”
“I don’t have to do it perfectly.”
“If I get stuck, I can ask for help.”
You can write them on a card and keep it in the bag.
✅ 7. Create a safety plan for school
Some children cope better when they know what happens if things feel too big.
A safety plan could include:
a break card
a trusted staff member
permission to take a sensory break
safe space in the classroom
headphones (if needed)
This is especially helpful for neurodivergent children.
What not to do (even though it’s tempting)
When parents are exhausted and worried, it’s easy to fall into strategies that unintentionally increase anxiety.
Avoid:
“There’s nothing to worry about”
“You’ll be fine, stop it”
“If you don’t go, you’ll lose privileges”
“You’re being silly”
rushing and arguing in the morning
big punishments that increase shame
Instead, aim for calm firmness:
“I know this feels hard. We’ll take it step by step. I’m here with you.”
When to seek extra support
You might consider support if:
anxiety is affecting sleep, appetite, confidence, or behaviour
school refusal is increasing
your child’s distress is intense or prolonged
you feel stuck or overwhelmed
school issues are escalating
your child is withdrawing socially or becoming low in mood
Early support can prevent anxiety from becoming deeply embedded. You don’t have to wait until it’s “bad enough”.
How Pebble & Tide can help
At Pebble & Tide Counselling, I provide calm, supportive online counselling for children and teens across Australia.
Sessions focus on:
emotional regulation tools
anxiety coping strategies
confidence building
school stress support
gentle, trauma-informed care
neurodiversity-affirming strategies where relevant
Support can also include parent guidance, because children do best when the adults around them feel supported too.
If you’d like to explore support, you can book an intake session online.
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